I stayed too long at the party…

“The mind is the last part of yourself to listen to, it thinks of everything you can lose. 
The heart thinks of everything you can give.  And the soul thinks of everything you are.”

This is one of those blog posts where I have a big message but have a feeling it is either going to be really short or ramble endlessly to fill space when what I am trying to convey doesn’t need that.

My life is at such a good place right now. Professionally, personally and with my horses I am so happy and content right now.

Professionally, I have a job I am absolutely loving with people who work really hard, care about each other and want to do the best for their clients they possibly can. Those cookiesound like such no brainers but it is so different than where I was before. I find myself having to stop and remember that every day as I make choices for our clients.

I came from an environment that was structured to created animosity and competition, primarily because of a commission-based pay system. I spent 15 years having to hoard work and make choices to ensure I made enough money. I had to choose whether to empower my clients to grow and learn for themselves, at the expense of my paycheck, or force us doing for them as the best option. I had to limit my professional growth because handing off the simple tasks to someone else meant less in my check. Where I am now is so different. What is best for the client and what makes for them to be successful is all I have to factor. And it is weird because I have to remind myself that is ok at least once a day.

My previous environment was also culturally toxic. There was so much talking behind people’s backs, fake interactions, scheming and sabotage and a lot of it started at the leadership level and worked down. I never felt safe. I always wondered what was being plotted and knew I would be broadsided at some point (exactly what happened when I was discarded at the end). That stays with me too. I have a position now where I get to make a ton of change and I am hearing so much support and excitement from all levels of the firm, but I still find myself, out of habit, looking over my shoulder wonder how much is sincere and where the arrow will come from even though nothing there warrants the paranoia.

My horse life is amazing. I am riding two horses so perfectly suited for me. Jasmine has a leaser who is perfect for her and I got to watch them show together last weekend and it made my heart so happy to see them both enjoying what they were doing. I also did well cowboymyself and despite showing Cowboy after only riding him a couple times and it being our first show we did great in two tough classes. I adore my trainer. I know she has my best interest at heart and goes out of her way to make this all doable for me (showing is really hard when you travel as much as I do, and this is far from a cheap hobby and I am struggling with the cost a little right now). She has never done won thing, that I know of, to harm me, but I wonder all the time. Why, because of the trainers before her that were in it for their own good. Who chose horses for me that were better for them than me, who set me up to fail, who talked about me behind my back. They taught me the ugly side of our sport, and still do in some ways when I cross paths with them.

My personal life, while limited by how much I travel, is great. I have made a few very close friends here in Texas. I have great friends around the country. My life is good. I beachhave people who would give their life for me and I know it, but I don’t always trust it. After being stabbed in the back so many times it is hard to trust. There is a poem I love and one specific line that crosses my mind often…”When life calls for new beginnings, and we fear they’re doomed to end, remember…Wounded trust is like a wounded knee–It is very hard to bend.”

While these three parts of my life seem so separate, they share one common trait. I struggle in all of them because I stayed too long in bad situations with each. That was the message that I took a long time to get to my friends. Fighting change merely because the unknown is sometimes scarier than the known of a current situation is never the right choice! I have said it over and over in this blog, I believe everything happens for a reason and when it is supposed to. So in one way I know I was supposed to wait to leave a bad job, a bad trainer and horse and unhealthy friendships. But at the same time I have to stop myself a lot lately thinking “I wish I had done that sooner”. I wish I had moved to Texas 4 years earlier, I wish I had left my previous job 10 years earlier, I wish I had closed in my circle of friends a while ago.

Simply put…stop settling, stop staying. Follow what your heart knows even if it is scary because really great things are found in the scariness!!!! Life in the unknown is pretty damn awesome!!!!!

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